If Only (Captured) Read online

  I like Gerard more now, but he is trouble, and he’s definitely what my mom would call cheeky. The jerk actually asked me if “The bushes match the rest of the lawn!?” (For the record, I do not have pink pubes). He’s the most flirtatious guy I’ve ever met, and he gets a lot of attention. For sure, he’s handsome, but he uses his sense of humor as well, and the chicks seem to love it.

  Really, all these boys get noticed.

  Dane is beyond hot, but he also knows all the right things to say. He’s charming with a capital ‘C.’

  Joe gets a lot of interest, not that I’m surprised, but he gave less of his time to women than his friends did. Maybe he’s more selective. I did see a woman slip a piece of paper, no doubt with her cell phone number on it, into the back pocket of his jeans. He saw what she did and didn’t react. I noticed he didn’t throw it away, either. I don’t doubt he’ll use that number; she was pretty and probably around his age.

  It occurred to me that the only one of them in a relationship is Adam. He’s committed to Saffron, it’s clear she’s all he wants. Is he the only one of them who desires that? It’s made me think of the party and what I saw Gerard and Dane getting up to – not that I haven’t thought about it, anyway, but I wonder more so whether it’s Joe’s thing, too. He’s young, hot and single, why wouldn’t it be?

  But is that his preference to what his brother has?

  The three guys seem happy to indulge, even if Joe does appear picky in comparison. Is Joe like his ménage à trois loving buddies, but less obvious about it? Is he the kind of man who offers something on a deeper level than just physical, or is he the type of man who prefers single life and the freedom to enjoy a wealth of women? Who is this man that’s been dominating my every thought? What is he about?

  I approach Su while everyone else is distracted by Saffron and Adam’s dance off, on one of the games. At the lowest level I can manage, but still audible to Su, I speak. “Have you noticed all the interest these boys get?”

  “You can’t miss it,” she replies, her gaze fixed on the dancing.

  Nodding slowly, I contemplate my next question. “Do you think Joe’s the same as Gerard and Dane? Like where the ladies are concerned?”

  “I didn’t, but I’m not sure now. We don’t know them that well.” She stops talking and observes him for a moment. “I really don’t know.”

  “No, I don’t either. If he is, he’s definitely more discrete.” Before we can continue, Saffron and Adam finish.

  We start making our way back up to the pool hall to leave.

  “Oh,” Su says when we’re at the top of the stairs and heading for the exit, “I just need to use the restroom.” She rushes toward it.

  The others are ahead of us, and now that Su’s gone, it’s just Joe and me. I lean back against the railing, acting nonchalant. I’m not certain I should say anything, but there’s something I’ve had on my mind since my first day in BlackArt.

  “Do you think I could photograph you and Adam doing Jujutsu?” What the fuck are you doing, Callie Ann Rogers? I shove my hands in my jacket pockets. Shit, too late to take it back, though I wish I could, and he’s waiting for the rest of my request. “I’ve done a lot of motocross, and a little surfing … I’d like to capture what you two do. No pressure, though, it’s just an idea.” A stupid idea.

  “So, you want to take pictures of us throwing each other around?” he says, with a teasing smile.

  “I didn’t actually think of it that way, but … yeah, I guess.” Help.

  “I’m sure Adam will be cool with it, I’ll ask him. Do you wanna come to a class?”

  “No, just something with you both.” I think I’d prefer to keep it simple. Maybe a group thing would be better. I don’t know. Shit. When did I become so damn indecisive?

  “Okay, I’ll figure it out.” Oh, no, I’m fucking mortified. I wish I hadn’t said anything.

  Su joins us and we leave. I should’ve gone with her in the first place.

  Once we’re in the parking lot, and after the goodbyes, Su and I head to my car. Before I key the ignition, I turn to her. “I asked Joe if I can photograph him and Adam doing Jujutsu.”

  She chuckles. “You can barely be in the same space as the guy. How are you actually going to take pictures of him?”

  “I said it before I could stop myself. He said yes. It was a stupid idea, but I would like to get the shots. They’ll go so well in my portfolio with all the other stuff I’ve done. Shit, what was I thinking? Maybe I won’t mention it again.”

  “Adam will be there, right? That won’t be so bad. I’ll even come if you want.”

  “You have to be there. If tonight is anything to go by, I’ll have no problem being in the same room as Joe. He has more than enough female admiration without my teenage-ass lusting over him. I wouldn’t stand a chance against some of those women, even if I were single. Did you get a look at the one who slipped him her number?”

  “They’ve got nothing on you, doll,” she says, confidently.

  I grin at my sweet friend, appreciating the compliment. Anyway, none of this stuff matters, though, I’m still confused about Joe’s character and whether he, like Gerard and Dane, is the kind of man my mom warned me to stay away from. The kind of man my bastard-ex, Ryan, turned out to be, but it’s not for me to be concerned with. It’s none of my business.

  Whatever happens, if Su and I are going to be seeing more of Saffron, I’m going to see more of him, so I have to get over this. If Saffron’s a friend now, then Joe’s a kind of friend. It seems to be going that way. Yeah, I’ll get over it.

  “He called me Baby cake.” A few times. I liked that none of the others did.

  Su smiles as she clicks her safety belt into place. “I noticed.”

  Nineteen: Callie

  I’m standing outside the movie theater on Van Ness Ave with Su and Saffron. We came to see Rock Star with Maria, who I know from high school, and Saffron’s friend, Tracy. Now it’s just Su, Saffron and me, and it’s only ten o’clock. We don’t want to go home yet and we’re hungry. “We could go to my mom’s deli, on Geary Boulevard,” I suggest. “It’s closed, but there’ll be stuff in the fridge we can have.”

  “Your mom won’t mind?” Saffron asks.

  “Nah, she’ll be fine, I don’t make a habit of it. I’ll call her on the way and tell her.”

  “Cool, let’s go there then.” She slips her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket, we all start walking.

  “God, I hope there’s still some apple pie left over,” Su says. “Saffron, you have to try Callie’s mom’s pie. It’s to die for.” And she looks as though she’ll keel over right now if there isn’t any. It’s the best there is in the whole of San Francisco, as far as we’re concerned.

  Saffron chuckles.“Sounds good.”

  We arrive at Mary’s – named after mom – I turn on all the lights, but leave the blinds down, so people won’t think we’re open. I have to get rid of this silence, or better yet the buzzing of the fridges. I turn the radio on, keeping the volume at background level. Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down starts to play and we all start singing along. I freaking love this song.

  Mary’s is cozy, with six circular tables along the wall that runs parallel to the counter, which during opening hours displays fresh food. Blue and white form the color scheme, with check tablecloths, and we have photographs on the walls that I’ve taken of items from our menu. Dark wooden shelves display oils for salads and cooking, as well as cans and jars of foodstuffs. There’s such a traditional and homely feel to the place.

  “Sit anywhere you like and help yourselves to drinks. Mom said there’s some vegetarian lasagna here from today that she forgot to take home, so we’ll have that and I’ll see what else there is.” It’s my favorite dish in the whole world, but only my mother’s version.

  I bring out potato salad for us all, some cold cuts for Saffron, and lay them out on the table they’ve chosen at the back of the shop. “Guess what else we got?” I sing to Su, a
s I walk toward the counter.

  “Apple pie,” she screams like I’ve just honored her with the greatest gift she’s ever received. Saffron and I giggle at her. “Tell me there’s vanilla ice cream to go with it,” she pleads as though she fears I’ll suddenly shatter her joy.

  “There’s vanilla ice cream to go with it, but you’ll only get desert if you eat up all your dinner,” I mockingly scorn.

  I grill some garlic bread and then put the lasagna in the microwave.

  “Gosh, that smells great, so tomatoey and ‘erby,” Saffron says. “How long has your mom had this place?”

  I lean across the counter, forearms propped on the surface. “Ten years.”

  “Wow, business is good, huh?”

  “Yeah, lots of regular customers and it’s useful for tourists. It’s perfect, really. Dad even sometimes comes in on his lunch breaks.”

  “Ah, so he’s a customer, too?” She chuckles.

  “Yeah, my sister and I work here some days. We like to tease him when we serve him. It’s quite funny.”

  She smiles, warmly. “You and your family seem close.”

  “We are. You’ll have to come see Elena, I keep telling her about you. She wants to meet you.”

  “Sure, anytime you want. She’s two years older, right?”

  “Yeah, but she’s way more serious and more organized than me. Her head is much older than it should be, in my opinion, but I wouldn’t change her for the world.”

  Su and Saffron continue to chat while I get the flateware and lay them out. The microwave dings. I take out the warm dish and gather the garlic bread onto a plate. I join the girls, we eat everything and right after we squeeze in hot pie and ice cream.

  The smell of warm apples and cinnamon lingers, taking over the scent of herbs and garlic, as we relax back in our chairs. “My tummy’s going to burst,” Su says, sluggishly. “Talking and eating are not compatible; you don’t realize how much you’re stuffing your face with.”

  I want to laugh, but I can’t because it’ll hurt. “We’ve all got food babies,” I say, rubbing my stomach, which feels as though it’s doubled in size. “I swear to God I’m going to explode, any second now.”

  “Thank you so much for all this and please thank your mom for me,” Saffron says, looking as stuffed as I feel.

  “I will.” I smile at her appreciation.

  We sit in silence for a short time, allowing our bodies to recover. I so badly want to sleep, but I fight it.

  We go on to discuss our Halloween costumes for the club opening night next month. We also chat about a girlie camping trip we’ve planned for early October, a weekend thing. Saffron is a perfect addition to this new stage in my life and, despite a certain someone, I foresee a strong bond forming between Saffron, Su and me. And, attractions aside, the guys are great, too, all four of them.

  “Su, you won’t be there on Tuesday when Callie takes photos of Adam and Joe?” Saffron says.

  “No, it sucks, but I have to go out with my parents, some family dinner with my mom’s sister. I’d love to see them in action, are they good?”

  “They’re freaking awesome.”

  “I can’t wait to see the pictures.” Su gazes at me, thoughtfully, and then switches her attention back to Saffron. “I noticed Joe, Dane and Gerard are popular boys. What’s the deal with them?” This is unexpected, interesting, but unexpected. Have I ever told you how much I love my best friend?

  “Girl, don’t get me started. I’m always on their backs about it, especially my brother’s.” She folds her arms, looking all motherly and responsible.

  “Why don’t they have girlfriends? They all seem like good catches,” Su says.

  “None of them want commitment. They each have different motivations, but they’re no different when it comes to women and sex – they all like a lot of both. It’s ridiculous, really, they make each other worse, I’m sure.”

  “They’re nothing like Adam then?” Su says.

  Saffron shakes her head, no, and I have my answer.

  Joe doesn’t want commitment.

  He does like a lot of women and sex.

  This should put things into perspective, but I’m now more confused than I was before. I love Nick and I’m happy with him, yet I’m deeply bothered by this new information.

  Why can’t I just not give a damn?

  ****

  I walk through the center doors to find Joe, Adam and Saffron sitting in the middle of the room, on the floor, which is covered in large gray mats. The three of them look my way at the same time. “Hi, sorry I’m late, guys, I got caught in traffic.”

  “That’s okay, you’re only ten minutes late,” Saffron says, padding toward me. Joe and Adam remain seated with their legs crossed. They’re dressed in the same white suits with black belts that they were wearing in the picture at BlackArt.

  I did some Jujutsu research, after we agreed on tonight, to prepare myself and get an idea of what I want to make a point of capturing. I also want to leave some of it to chance and grab the moment. Some of my best photos have been the unplanned ones, snatched opportunities.

  I’m excited by this, and Jujutsu is an obvious art, but it’s still fighting. Strikes and throws and all kinds of moves I imagine would hurt a whole lot. I’m hoping Joe and Adam won’t actually inflict pain on each other.

  I also looked up the etiquette, so I know the mats they’re sitting on are called tatami and once they’re put down the room becomes a dojo, and not the gymnastics hall it usually is. The place should be respected the way you would respect someone’s home and I should not walk onto the tatami with my shoes on. I felt too uncertain to bow when I came in, but I assumed as I wasn’t barefoot and I’m not participating it may be okay. I hope it was okay.

  In keeping with my mark of respect for the dojo, I toe-off my tennis shoes, and pull off my socks, before heading over to Joe and Adam. They smiled at that, I figure I did the right thing. Shit. I just remembered reading that I should ask for permission to walk on the mats. It’s too late now, and they don’t seem offended. How literally am I to take the rules as a non-participant? I’m not sure and thinking about it so much is making me nervous.

  I take a deep breath and sit down with them. “Hey, guys.”

  “Hi,” they say in unison. Yes, I did just feel the Joe related heat lick through me. I extinguish it. I will focus on what I’m here for and remain professional. My photography is important to me, so I will keep things under control.

  After explaining what I’m looking for, they tell me some of the things they’ll do. I get the impression it won’t result in any pain, but I did pick up on an air of competition between them. They’re clearly competitive, but there’s an unspoken affection behind it. They’re passionate about Jujutsu and obviously respect the art, as well as each other. It’s great to see this side of them.

  I get up, without asking for permission to leave the mats, and walk over to the table Saffron is sitting on. Picking up my Nikon, I’m glad I asked to do this after all.

  Kneeling, facing each other, the guys bow. I snap and capture it. They proceed with the warm up, and I work my way around the action to gain various angles. I’m getting some good stuff already and I’m certain there’s more to come tonight.

  By the end of the warm up, a light sheen of perspiration covers their skin and they’re breathing heavier. That’s not something I expected at this stage, isn’t that supposed to be the easy part?

  I couldn’t completely suppress my reaction when I watched Joe wipe sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand – I got the shot. A rebellious part of my brain had me thinking about how much I wanted to lick his face. Who the fuck licks someone’s face? I haven’t even done that to Nick, other things, yes, but not his face. What the hell?

  As they continue, I hold back personal, inappropriate thoughts. I’m impressed by how well coordinated the moves are. They do look like they could be pretty painful, and even deadly, but it’s a seamless flow of fists and feet
and holds. I can’t believe the way they throw each other down, but there’s even an art to landing. They break their falls. This is unbelievable and better than I imagined. The physical demands are beyond belief; they’re strong, flexible and disciplined. I feel tired just watching them, but I’m in awe of them, also.

  Before I know it, we’re done, and I have so many images. They bow to finish – snap, capture – and start to put the gray flooring away.

  I head back to the table where Saffron is still sitting.

  “God, that was amazing,” I say to her, as I tuck my camera into its nylon case.

  “I know, right? I never get bored of watching them.”

  “Have you tried it out yourself?” She appears to be quite strong, even though she’s small. I’m aware she works out, and it shows in her nicely defined arms.

  Her smile is suggestive, as she catches her bottom lip between her teeth. “Yeah, Adam and I have a few times, but we don’t get far. My boyfriend seems to like the idea of pinning me down too much, he completely takes advantage.”

  We giggle, and I can’t help the visions that enter my badly behaved mind. They’re an affectionate couple, and the chemistry between them is so clear. I don’t doubt they’re hot between the sheets. Or on the tatami.

  The guys join us, and the four of us head out to the parking lot.

  Twenty: Joe

  When we’re in the small lot, I notice Callie’s car is parked beside my bike. Adam and saffron jump on his motorcycle, on the other side of mine, and they leave first, because Saff wants pancakes at her favorite diner.

  It’s just Callie and me now. This isn’t what I was expecting, but it’s good, time alone is more of an opportunity to talk. She puts her photography equipment and purse on the back seat of her bug and closes the door.

  “I know I keep saying it, but thank you so much for tonight,” she says, turning to face me.

  “No problem.” I perch on the side of my seat. “You happy with all you got?”

  She smiles wide. “For sure. The difficult part will be narrowing down my choices for which ones I’ll put in my portfolio. I’ll be keeping them all, but I’ll only develop a select few. That won’t be easy.”