If Only (Captured) Read online

  Her eyes narrow. “Fuck you, Joe. Fuck you all.”

  Man, I just want to grab her and shake her. I’d also like to kiss her, but she could do with a really good shake and seeing some sense right about now. Of course, I wouldn’t handle her like that, but fuck. I don’t know what her problem is and because of that, I don’t know what to say. Maybe I’m being a dumbass here, but I don’t get it. Her point about ‘double standards’ was justified, but not this reaction.

  She turns and storms off, heading for her car.

  As she gets closer to the door, I run in front of her, blocking her from opening it. “Callie, you’re way more upset than you should be.” I want her to look at me, but she won’t. Her gaze is level with my chest, refusing to meet mine. She’s never been evasive with me before. “What’s going on with you, Baby cake?”

  “Nothing,” she mutters, her eyebrows pulling tight. Aw, shit, it’s getting awkward for me now. Tears are pooling in her eyes, they haven’t fallen, but I can see she’s fighting it.

  Over the years we’ve had a lot of – non-sexual – physical contact. We hug all the time and we’re playful, it’s just the way we are. I’ve seen her emotional twice; at Saffron and Adam’s wedding, and at Su and Zack’s. I’ve never seen her cry because she’s hurt and in situations like this a comforting hug and a shoulder are necessary. The worst thing for me will be to hold her under these circumstances, because I won’t let go. It’s also clear that that’s the last thing she’d want from me. Her outburst just then made it clear how she views me.

  She’s never made me aware of that before today.

  “I just,” she says, her voice softening, “… I don’t see why I’m being judged when you all behave the way you do. When’s the last time any of you had a real relationship? You probably don’t even know how to. Look at you and Paige. She told you she loved you and you ran a mile. That sounds more like a phobia to me.” How did she and I end up here, from one comment Gerard made?

  “You don’t know anything about me and relationships,” I say, keeping my tone light. “I’m more than capable of having them. Just because I don’t, it doesn’t mean I can’t.”

  “But you avoid them. You avoid them, Joe.”

  I’m at a loss for words. I don’t even think of her as a commitment-phobic, I know she’s with the wrong guy. I can’t exactly tell her that, so it’s at this point I’m going to cut my losses, because this conversation is taking a shape I don’t like and it could go anywhere. “I’m gonna call you later, when you’re not so upset.” I step out of her way.

  She gets into her car, keys the ignition, and glances at me before driving off.

  I do not understand that girl.

  Twenty Five: Callie

  When I get home, Su is back from the hairdressers. We sit at our dining table in the living room, and I relay everything.

  “I think you need to tell them about you and Nick. Gerard wouldn’t have said those things if he’d known you guys split.”

  “I know. I just needed time to deal and after the other breakups I was worried they’d think it was the same old crap with us.”

  “They’re your friends, they wouldn’t judge you.”

  “God, I can’t believe I reacted like that.” I cover my tear-soaked-face with my hands. Such an over-emotional reaction to something I’d usually just battle with and laugh off.

  “You’re still getting over Nick. They’ll understand when they know about it.” She slides her arm around my shoulders, hugging me from the side.

  “I can’t face them. Damn it, I can’t believe I freaked out on Joe like that. I was such a bitch to him.”

  “We both know why he got the worst of it.” The door bell sounds. “I’ll get it.” Su gets up from her chair, and I reach for a tissue to wipe away my tears. No more crying, I’ve done way too much of that over the past six weeks. I’m sick of it.

  Saffron enters the living room with Su. My red eyes must alert her and she rushes to me, hugging me. “Callie, what’s going on with you? Gerard was teasing. I chewed him out, anyway, but he was just playing. You know that, right?”

  “I didn’t mean to react like that.” She sits on the seat beside me, and Su sits back in her place on the other side. “I know I overreacted. Nick and I split up six weeks ago.”

  Her eyelids widen. “Why didn’t you say?”

  “It’s for good this time. I just didn’t want to talk about it yet. It’s been hard.” She cuddles me again, stroking my back.

  To everyone else, my relationship would’ve appeared complicated. It kind of was. We loved each other, everyone knew that, but what they also saw was me being unable to commit fully. Nick and I discussed living together, a number of times, but I couldn’t do it. We spent many days and nights in each other’s company, took vacations together and, in actual fact, had a fantastic relationship. Yet, I couldn’t do anything that was permanent, and we broke up several times, during our seven and a half years together, because of it. We always got back together, but this time that’s not going to happen. He made that clear to me right before walking out of my front door, and my life, for the last time.

  And I let him go.

  What no one except Su and my sister is aware of is why I found it so difficult. Saffron knows everything there is to know about me except that I love Joe. She would be in on it if she wasn’t married to his brother. I couldn’t guarantee that she wouldn’t share my secret with Adam and I couldn’t risk it getting back to Joe.

  Nick and I would definitely have a place together by now, and maybe be married, if I didn’t have another little problem making that hard. Even now, after all these weeks of being apart, I’m still hurting and I’m angry at myself for letting him go. But I had to, he deserved better.

  Gerard, unintentionally, upset me because commitment is exactly what I want. The problem isn’t what I want it’s who I want, and it only became an issue when Nick asked for a more permanent step with me. I just couldn’t do it.

  “Hey,” Saffron says, taking my hand in hers. “Let’s have a girlie night. No man talk, no commitment talk, just us three.”

  I smile at my sweet friend. My sweet friend who is sister-in-law to the man I love. A man who doesn’t even know it. A man who is one of my closest friends. How messed up is that?

  Twenty Six: Joe

  I’m in a local bar with Dane and Adam, seated in the corner around a table. The place is filled with people, many who intend on hitting the clubs soon and others like us, who just want to hang out and suck down some beers. Gerard is off, no doubt, causing trouble somewhere else. Dane arrives with our drinks.

  “Spill, dude,” Adam says to him, over the beats sounding from the live DJ on the other side of the bar. My brother is crazy about his wife and he’s never once been tempted by another, but he damn well enjoys hearing about his buddies’ activities, activities that are rarely innocent or straightforward.

  Dane chuckles as though the simple recollection of the dirt is funny. He leans in closer, the gold stud in his nose reflecting the light. We all end up sort of huddled, our closeness around the small surface area providing the suggestion of privacy.

  “So we’re at her place, and she’s all deep-throatin’ me and shit – her head game was off-the-fucking-chain. Out of nowhere, she’s like, “Fuck me in the ass, Dane.” Usually you have to work up to that stuff, right, but no, not with her. So we’re on her bed, I’m fuckin’ her ass, and the next thing I know her shits all over me.”

  “Oh, shit!” Adam roars with amusement, leaning back in his chair. “Pardon-the-motherfuckin’-pun.” I can’t help but join his guffaw, and who wouldn’t? Fortunately, that shi– that has never happened to me before, thank God.

  “Who the hell asks for that if they haven’t taken a shit that day?” Dane says with a genuine quizzical expression about his face. “I’ve seen that stuff on the net. I did not see it happening to me. There’s a hella things I don’t mind doing, but that …” he shakes his head. “Fuck me, man.”
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  “What happened then?” Adam asks, holding in another fit of laughter.

  “Took a shower and stuck to convention.” He takes a large gulp of his Bud.

  Bro starts chuckling again, and so do I, until my mind begins to wonder. The rest of their conversation fades out.

  I’m still trying to figure out Callie’s retort toward me today, but I don’t think it’s the time to question her. Now, thanks to Saffron texting me, I know she and Nick have split. That, at least, explains her being so emotional, but it gives me no indication as to why she reacted with me the way she did. I will call her when I leave, as I would have anyway, but I can’t expect an explanation when she’s upset about her breakup. Her opinion of me bothers me, so I have to talk to her about it at some point.

  “Where’s your head at, man?” Dane asks, breaking into my thoughts.

  “What?” I ask, looking over at him.

  “What’s up?”

  I shrug, casually. “I’m cool.”

  “Yeah, right, tell that shit to Gerard and he’d buy it. Not me.”

  “I’m just … thinking.”

  A brow arches. “That’s obvious.”

  I shake my head, still attempting to throw off an air of indifference. “It’s nothing major.”

  “If it’s nothing major then tell us.”

  “Callie and Nick broke up. It’s for good this time.”

  “She okay?”

  “I don’t know for sure.” Lifting my bottle, I take a swig of my beer.

  “Why exactly is it such a big deal to you? It was always gonna come to this with them two, right?” I hold his gaze, saying nothing. Several seconds pass. He nods in recognition, chuckling. “I see,” he says, leaning back in his chair.

  “No, you don’t,” Adam pipes up. “He’s wanted her the entire time he’s known her.”

  I glare at him. “Thanks.” It sounds ridiculous. If I heard that said about someone else, I’d think the dude was crazy.

  Dane frowns at me. I nod, waiting for him to conclude that I’m crazy. “Man, that’s … shit, that’s, um … maybe a little crazy. How do you wait for one chick for seven years? You see her all the time. We go camping every year. How?”

  I laugh myself at this point and rub my face with my hands. “I wanted her from the first day,” I sit back, folding my arms across my chest, “but she was already with Nick. I wasn’t about to chase some other man’s girl, so figured I’d wait. I was arrogant enough to think they’d finish a lot sooner than they have; I didn’t expect it to be years. When they started all that on-off bullshit, I started thinking she wasn’t ready for the type of relationship I wanted with her. I wasn’t gonna get caught up in anything messed up like that with her. I thought she just needed time to grow and figure out what she wants. She made it easy for me to keep my distance, especially after that stupid-ass rebound thing with that Jackson dude. That was when I tried to give things a chance with Paige. Now that was a stupid-ass thing to do. I don’t just like Callie.”

  “And for the record,” Adam adds, “I thought his idea was shit. It wasn’t so bad to start with, but after the first year I started to think it was stupid. I told him to tell her, then Callie would be aware of her choices, and he’d know for sure where he stood. He doesn’t even know how she feels about him. And, um … Saff thought your idea was crap, too.”

  “You told her? You were sworn to secrecy, brother! Thanks.”

  “C’mon, you know I don’t hide anything from her. She didn’t tell anyone; what’s said between us stays between us.”

  I shake my head in disapproval, even though I’m not surprised he told her. Maybe that’s why Saffron made a point of texting me when she found out about Callie and Nick.

  Dane laughs again. “One thing the two of you have in common is fucked up approaches to relationships. It is insane, Joe, waiting for someone when you don’t know how she feels. So what’s the plan?” He takes a gulp of his beer.

  “I’ll call her when I get home, see how she is. If she’s upset over Nick then it’s not exactly a good time to say anything about us. I get that this all sounds crazy, I don’t know what she feels for me, or if she’s ready for the type of relationship I want with her. If she’d moved in with Nick, or if I’d met someone else I felt strongly for, it would’ve changed everything. We wouldn’t even be having this conversation.” I hate to admit it, but I would’ve said something if Callie had agreed to move in with Nick – I wouldn’t have let her go without letting her know her options. Instead, with her actions, all she’s done is make it clear that she isn’t ready for me as an option.

  “I think it’s time you found out, you might be surprised. You two are tight, and I know for sure she liked you when she first came on the scene.”

  I freeze with my bottle millimeters from my lips. “What are you talking about?”

  “When I first met her at your party, and a few times after that, I could see it. The way she looked at you when you spoke to her. Even the way she listened to you. Putting the pieces together, the way you both are with each other, it wouldn’t surprise me if she felt something for you, also. Even after all this time. I can’t believe you didn’t notice.” He sighs. “If I knew how you felt back then, I’d have told you. You hid it well, I had no clue you were interested in her like that.”

  I can’t even speak as I lower my drink to the table. How did I miss it? Over the years, she’s given me no indication of an interest, none whatsoever. Yes, we are close – we connected from the start, and I still believe that things would’ve been different between us if she hadn’t been with Nick when we first met, but the group as a whole is close, too. She and Su fell into place with us quickly, and better than I expected they would. Callie and I may be tight, but she has a brother-sister type relationship with Dane, she and Gerard are competitive, always challenging each other, but you can see the fondness between them. She has a special connection with Adam. And Saffron goes without saying.

  Even if she was into me at the start, that was a long time ago and it doesn’t necessarily bare any association with now. Did I miss my chance? My frown is making my forehead ache. I can’t believe what I just heard. After today, I was beginning to have second thoughts; she doesn’t exactly hold the best opinion of me. Maybe she was interested before, but I don’t see how she would be now if she believes the things she said.

  I lock gazes with Adam. “I need you to hold off on running to Saff with this, while I figure things out. Don’t say anything.”

  He holds his hands up in defense. “Okay, I won’t. It’s probably better that she doesn’t get caught up in any of it, anyway, especially with next weekend’s plans.”

  Fuck, I forgot about that. We’re all going to Hillsborough for my birthday on Friday. This isn’t the best time for tension, so Callie and I need to be our usual selves with each other, or the weekend will go to shit.

  By the time I get home it’s later than I intended, so I text Callie to see if she’s still up. I’m not pushing anything between us tonight, but I will talk to her after my birthday weekend. For now, I’ll just make sure she’s okay.

  She’s in bed, but awake.

  “You okay?” I ask, lying back, resting my head on my pillow.

  “I am now … I’m sorry about today, Joe. I didn’t mean what I said.”

  “When did you start taking Gerard so seriously?” I’m not ignoring her apology, but I am avoiding talking about our words. For now.

  “Because he was wrong and he knows me. I didn’t realize he thought of me in that way.”

  “He doesn’t actually think that, no one does.”

  She sighs lightly. “I’m sorry about the things I said to you, you didn’t deserve that.”

  I feel like I want to explain myself, tell her that I’ve avoided relationships because I want her. If she’s still hurting over Nick then this is not the right time.

  “If you say you didn’t mean it, then you didn’t mean it. Put it out of your head.”

  “Yo
u don’t believe me.” Shit, now she’s disappointed. Wrong response.

  “Look, you’ve got stuff going on, today doesn’t matter.”

  “It matters if you’re upset with me, Joe.”

  “I’m not. I was surprised, yes, but nothing more.”

  “I didn’t mean to freak out on you … it’s just that you were there. That doesn’t make it right. And it wasn’t personal.”

  “It’s over with, okay, stop worrying.”

  “You’re absolutely not upset with me?” she says, with more certainty in her tone. This is a step in the right direction.

  “Never was, Baby cake. End of discussion. What did you do with the rest of your day?”

  “I had a girlie afternoon and evening with Su and Saffron. We watched the first two Saw movies.” I’m glad to hear the smile in her voice, this is more like her.

  “The three of you watching horror together is one of the funniest things. You scare each other more than the damn movie does.”

  She giggles. “I know, right? We were going to watch Hostel after, but switched to Porky’s instead, so we could clear our heads. Then we finished with Dude, Where’s My Car? I forgot we even had that DVD here. It was fun. What did you do?”

  Now we’re having our typical kind of chat, which will go on for hours. We get to talking about the plans for the weekend. We’re camping for one night on Thursday and then driving to Hillsborough the next day. My parents are on a trip, so we’ll stay at the house. An old high school friend of mine recently opened a nightclub in Burlingame, so we’re partying there on Friday.

  We don’t have calls like this – late at night, when she’s in bed – all the time, but we’ve achieved quite a few over the years. Every single time I’ve wanted to ask Callie what she’s wearing. There’s never a natural route to that type of question, it’s not the kind of thing a “friend” asks. I’ve always kept within the boundaries, even if I have sailed close to them a number of times. On all the camping trips we’ve been on she slept in panties or shorts with an undershirt. Maybe that’s what she has on when we speak, but I prefer the idea of her being naked; both of us, naked and close, skin to skin.